Tat Tvam Asi

sometimes...

2007-08-09T18:58:00.000+09:00

I get SO tired of being me. nothing deep, just a wish to toggle dimensions. to lose the baggage which try as one might, one does inherit, earn, in this lifetime.

looking at the bigger picture, it all seems so insignificant...I am nothing, will be nothing soon...but while I am, I have all these strings...these landmines to avoid...these lines to look out for.

but the day ends and another begins.

till its time to call it a wrap.

but sometimes....

solo

2007-04-10T18:51:00.000+09:00

it is crystal clear that wish as I might, I really can't wipe the frowns, smooth the creases deep inside the soul of people I care for. we all come and go alone, we harbour secrets, experience sorrows, anxieties, loss, loneliness...its what makes us a character in a story...

what i can wish for is atleast one dream, one moment of pure happiness, a shot at redemption, a companion rediscovered...if I had the power.

can't keep track

2007-01-23T23:09:00.000+09:00

I change.

then change again.

don't know what I am or what I will be. no labels stick.

unfathomable.

I

2006-12-13T21:35:00.000+09:00

The greatest ever invention is the brain, especially the human one.

I know its an organ that does the inventing, but it must have been designed/invented/ideated upon somehow...I dont want to debate any school of thought here.

It is the single most deadly weapon/tool that we have been armed with. I can create my own hell or heaven right here with it. It pulls all the right strings and pushes the buttons that help me create a story out of my stay on this dimension.

Without it we are just mannequins.

On second thoughts, not the brain either...the single common denominator that defines life in any form is the lil twisted DNA. Sheer genius. From plankton to mountain gorillas to canaries to cactus to humans: we all fall in the same spectrum dictated by this tiny unit.

I am what I am becos of it.Makes you think.

2006-11-15T22:15:00.000+09:00

I really really really hope that before its my time to exit, the human race has had some kind of a breakthrough on the SETI front. be it panspermia or any other experiment, hope there is some kind of contact or find....even its just at the unicellular micro-organism-ic level. there has to be....and I am not thinking the fictional cliched stuff here...spielberg, Star Trek or HG wells...hostile or friendly, or just indifferent. whatever level of evolution life out there has achieved.

how can we ever think we are alone, that would be the epitome of ignorance and foolish arrogance...with all the zillions of galaxies that exist, where we are but merely a speck...and the beginning/end of space as we know it not stumbled upon as yet...

seriously...that would be such a high to grow old and depart on.

fingers crossed...

one day...

2006-11-04T00:31:00.000+09:00

...it will be time to return. like always. some more memories to stow away in the attic.

will miss the tree. :-) and all the little things that made up our routine. the places, the faces, the sounds, the sights. the clouds marching grandly and slowly past...the wind chimes at Argyle...the beautiful smells of the portuguese cooking...the old man and his dog at Argyle...so many.

Life moves on...always.

2006-10-09T21:51:00.000+09:00

what i need most - a dictaphone with built in VRU-OCR gobbledygook which will zap up my spoken thoughts and paste them on a screen, while I have my chai.

2006-09-24T23:52:00.000+09:00

moult. molt.

i moult. i molt

2006-08-16T20:12:00.000+09:00

is 'mattering' correct? i have these frequent black-outs when words, irrespective of their genus, seem so weird to me...like i have to start all over again and get comfortable around them, feel and touch...and make sense of them....shrinks might put it down to old-fashioned disorientation that the brain goes through during its maintenance periods...

but seriously...its funny how we take language, words, order, rules, structure, grammar, maths, laws, equations so seriously....like this is how it really is? we had a chapter in school abt this guy who starts turning language on its head...manipulating words to his universe which he was the master of....we wouldnt think twice and call him eccentric, mad even...but was he? wasn't he being true to himself in his non-conformism? who says we must conform, copulate, procreate...unwritten laws, you say? like the Big Bang, these exist in theory...hence, open to debate and speculation.

any human construct naturally invites my doubts about its hallowedness...now is that a word? it is, i made it. :-D

2006-07-04T16:27:00.000+09:00

my mood swings latitudes and longitudes. over the amazonian forests, below the caspian. red, orange, grey, yellow, nothing. shortlived beyond nanos.

i live in the moment. the future is just an amorphous cloud on the horizon...the past...can't see it...tho sometimes it does try to catch up, wheezing and huffing.

i am my best friend. i make me throw up and make me proud.

am sick of the I but would not exist any other way.

i blabber again. must be the heat and no rain.

2006-06-05T15:03:00.000+09:00

people bore me. am bored of stuff. whats the big deal anyway. coming undone. split wide open, almost. need a change, radical. yet to finish the book...isnt an easy read...lots of levels like her others...interesting, makes you think.

2006-05-19T20:03:00.000+09:00

Aum Bhur Bhuvah Svah
Tat Savitur Varenyam
Bhargo Devasya Dhimahi
Dhiyo Yoh Nah Prachdayat

Aum, the celestial sound that resounds in our bodies,
Over the earth and the cosmos upto the gates of heaven,
The effulgence of the rising sun that sets all living things
To their allotted tasks to strive to achieve their aims in life
May the dazzling light which is the gift of gods,
Illuminate our beings
Let us contemplate on it
So that our minds gain enlightenment.

i need.

2006-04-26T18:06:00.000+09:00

i need a haircut. i need to get my eyebrows done, they look like sloshed obese caterpillars. i need to get some gadgets fixed so i can get some variety back into our life. i need to sort out my financial loose ends.

what i need really is an alternate universe where everything goes the way i want it to. but now that i think abt it, that wouldnt be much fun.

the uncertainty, the not knowing, the whammy at the end that life/fate throws at me is what makes it a roller-coaster thriller flick at best.

i may not be the wretched puppet, but i am still not the sole scriptwriter of my life. i cannot claim any copyrights on this here play. so i grin and wink at the Unseen and carry on messing up what i can.

Guilty as charged

2006-04-05T17:17:00.000+09:00

I know. I did it again. I neglected you. Have I changed? I started blogging as a surrogate for my old faithful dog-eared, falling-to-pieces diary...pure self-indulgence. Somewhere along the way, with some attention, I turned exhibitionist. Okay thats a bit extreme, but I am a lil self-conscious in that room since I know someone's reading...maybe. Do I want someone to read me or am I just, as of old, writing to myself? I rue the watering down of my original intent.

But I will always have you and the other as my own private (?, not totally) confessional booths...I come to you when I'm really worked up privately inside...for the loner Me.

For thats what I will always be...beneath all the laughing, joking, pontificating masks I wear. So you shd have no fear of losing me.

Love,
Me

Time was...

2006-03-16T21:23:00.000+09:00

when I was so clued into the western music scene. We used to just get good ole DD and they wd beam all kinds of fabulous stuff like 'top of the pops' etc at us. I knew the lyrics, the mukhdas, antaras etc. The last musician I was into for a bit was alanis morrissette...I still know some of her songs. Kinda sound like a dinosaur from the pterodactyl age etc but no really...
I do switch to the music channels, but they're usually airing the latest teeny bopper stuff...
The problem isn't them, its me. I've just kinda moved out of that zone...years ago. Maybe I will revisit that part of me again...with some jazz education. Hmm....

Time was when I collected stamps, wrote copious letters to my friend in germany religiously (now its more like a random card or bunch of pics in a year, though shes still better than I), ate walls, devoured books (I've just read 15 pages of a woolf book, I got a month or so back), and had an enthu for life, generally. I still can get pretty charged abt happy and unhappy stuff but...

I'm glad cos in a way, it means I've evolved, moved on, shifted homes. There is still stuff I want to do before the sun sets on me. Maybe I'll carry it over if I can't for some reason...

the purpose

2006-03-13T20:14:00.000+09:00

What am I? A bunch of organs pinned to a stick? An overactive pea poised atop a ladder? A contradictory smorgasbord of ideas, concepts, beliefs, opinions, desires and dreams? Conditioned by family, society and the human race.

I can safely say that at this point of time the only subject, topic, idea I can hold forth on and presume to understand is myself, the Me in me. Not my child, not my man, not my parents, not my siblings, not my extended family, not my city, not my country, not the world I live in. All these are incidental to the Me, clinical and curt though it may sound. Peel away all the noise, and theres just this naked Me. Apolitical, asexual, asocial...

I come and go...maybe I take on different guises, maybe I just float in the ether, disembodied. I go through the motions, the acts, the roles, the given permutation-combinations that the unseen arranges before me. Am I, essentially, at the very basic level, just a carbon-based organism, no better than the bare trees, the pebbles I so often stop to admire?

When the end comes, when I am disposed of, when the mannequin is stowed away in the dark, does it matter anymore, what I was? What I liked, disliked, hated, hummed, ate, read, wrote, blogged? Does it carry on into the next, if there is one, in a silent sleeper module?

I'm not tripping, I'm not high. I'm just thinking aloud. Shouting into the emptiness. No reply expected.

pitter patter

2006-03-10T20:02:00.000+09:00

its raining! :-) schoolkids yelling...people taking shelter from the rain...birds drenched. Splashes, slush, wet wet wet.

a tune in me head

2006-03-09T15:51:00.000+09:00

if its tuesday, this must be belgium
if its wednesday, this must be rome,
if its london, why ain't it raining....

hmmmmhmmmhmmm

i liked the movie too...

where do I begin to tell the story of how great love can be
lalllaallaa
where do I end

the last word

2006-03-06T15:48:00.000+09:00

Death be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so,
...
...
One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.

- Donne

Life's funny

2006-02-21T15:55:00.000+09:00

The year started out with promise regarding the second innings. A lot of that promise is still hanging around, these being early days and all. But the mysterious developments I witnessed really can take me by surprise...especially, when it was a done deal eachtime. Maybe this is the Unseen's way of testing me? But have been tested quite a few times through life....and have landed on my feet. I still will. and I still will keep hoping, doggedly...the dog inside me refuses to let go...

Like that waiter chap in a starbucks in downtown Denver once told me, ina different context tho, its not the dog in the fight but the fight in the dog...that counts. Wise words, tho not original.

I have pretty much shaped my own destiny, good or bad...with the choices I made, on impulse, usually. Like Isabel in 'portrait of a lady', I own up to my decisions and will see them through to their end. When I look back, its been a pretty solo battle...with the One Above looking on...and something good has always popped its head around the corner.

I hope for myself that by the time this year ends, I will have got what I have set out to achieve, even if in small measures. There were different expectations of their lil girl from my parents, I'm sure...bigger and better. But I also know they are proud and with me even through the path I have chosen. My man is with me through thick and thin...and my precious girl is the only redeeming part of my life today!

Heres looking at me!

I'm back sweetheart

2006-02-20T15:09:00.000+09:00

Yesterday was a funny day.....the stinker I got, then my baby broke my cell. Today morning a car caught fire in the neighborhood...life.

This above all else, to thine ownself be true...

I've realized I like wandering through the crannies and underbelly of the Net-mos and visiting random blogs of people who have posted their inner thoughts, i.e. blogs that are just their diaries. We're all same in our angst somehow - Asians, Caucasians etc....I also like to drop silly comments on them and vanish into the mist, figuratively. :-))

The one that has stayed with me a lot....that has been physically with me for a long time...been with my family for more, is the dog-eared version of the Bhagavad Gita. Its simple yet profound and somehow, in a funny way, gives me strength when I need it...even without leafing thru it.

The age-old truths, the cycle of life, the essence of my Being...deep.

I know ppl have confidantes who they can lean on, tell their all to. I don't, never did. Funny now I think about it, do I miss having this appendage? Hmmm....

I know I'm rambling - you must be wondering if I'm drunk....but thats just how my mind is always....a bit like the time lapse photography thingie in docus...

Ta! then till my next visit....life will have changed a bit more.

Well, I had to...

2006-02-18T17:47:00.000+09:00

bring you forth. Was bored of the other two. One's totally private and reticent. The other's a little more outgoing and seen. You...don't know what to make of you.

I wish you luck and many more postings. :-)

Peace.